The winter months are a good time to try out some alternative sports and different types of training. And so on Sunday a group of us set off to try and injure ourselves and render ourselves incapable of doing anything for the rest of the year... we were going to earn ourselves the title of Tough Guys!

We had already lost a number of our team in the run up to race day due to a collection of dubious excuses but the seven of us who made it to the start were a hardy bunch determined to make it to the finish and backed up by a variety of training methods from excessive cake eating to jumping in the rain gullies in Richmond Park.

For those of you who don’t know about it, Tough Guy is an event designed by sadists for masochists. It involves a cross country run (of sorts) followed by an obstacle course known as “The Killing Fields”, supposedly the hardest civilian assault course on offer. Suffice to say that if you suffer from vertigo, claustrophobia, aversion to total immersion in horse s**t or general sensibleness then this is not the race for you.

At the start we found ourselves lined up next to a man wearing nothing but a thong, all part of the Tough Guy tradition (which none of us joined in with!). I hoped that I wouldn’t get stuck behind him on any of the scramble nets! As the atmosphere was built up with bagpipe playing and calls of “yohimbe” from all around, I looked around and noticed how few women there were there and how small I was compared to all these burly hardcore looking men! Hmmm…

After being crushed against a falling crowd barrier as everyone crowded eagerly towards the start we found ourselves on the top of a hill with the front runners lined up below. Then fireworks and firecrackers started going off and we all hurtled down the hill to the start into the smoke and explosions - death wish number one of the day!

The first part of the course is a cross country run to try and spread out the field a bit. So this was where we put our triathlon training to the test and tried to gain some places. So for me trying to keep up with my speedy team mates at this point was probably the toughest part of the day! Not helped along by the thermal top, thick rubber gloves and hat I was wearing in anticipation of future activities.

The Killing Fields have to be seen to be believed and I’d recommend a look at the photos on the Guardian website - try to spot Lou, Keith and Steve on slide number 8 (pictured below)!

It started with a few gentle dips up to the waist - a nice introduction to the freezing cold temperature of the water which is definitely colder than anything on offer in London! Kind of like experiencing a day in the life of an ice popsicle! This was followed by several walls to jump over and scramble nets to test our fear of heights and start the process of ripping apart our hands with rope burns – not too bad when you can still feel your limbs, though not so easy later on when you have lost every ounce of core body temperature. At least thong man had moved on elsewhere at this point!

The worst bit for me was running through burning bales of hay - I am still coughing from all the smoke! Maybe smoking 20 a day would have been better preparation… As my brother put it - “horses for courses - I draw the line at flames”! Between the fires you had to “swim” through water filled with broken up hay bales where it was too deep to touch the bottom. Just what I imagine quick sand to be like - all the while being unable to breathe cos of the smoke and only being able to see more burning bales of hay to contend with on dragging yourself out of the water on the other side!!!

I struggled a bit from being short. People were generally there to give me a leg up or help drag me out of the water but there was no such luck when it came to “The Behemoth”. This was a rope walk (about 3m in the air) with a second higher rope to hold onto for support. While l won’t pretend that I could have made the crossing on a single rope, the second rope didn’t exactly make it easier – more like turned it into a human rack stretching me to breaking point, especially if a 6 foot 6-er helpfully decided to head across the rope behind me!

But there was one point where my height came into its own – The Vietcong Tunnels. These are used sewer pipes a good 20m in length through which you have to crawl gradually uphill on hands and knees your skin gradually being shredded as you inch along in the pitch black hoping to see daylight in the distance. As Howard tried to work out what to do with all his limbs I managed to crawl along perfectly happily on all fours!

And then the obstacle which has gained a level of infamy - the Underwater Tunnel! It was bad enough being submerged to your neck (you could feel the cold hitting your heart!) but putting your head under took it to another level. Ice cream headache doesn’t even begin to describe it!

So with hypothermia setting in (and many of our fellow competitors being dragged off the course into ambulances - an extremely unwilling to stop Cath Walker amongst them) it was time for something which didn’t involve water… how about dragging yourself through mud and stones underneath a twisted mesh of barbed wire held only about half a meter of the ground?!! Thankfully this was one obstacle where they hadn’t decided to add an extra “sting” by hiding electric fences charged at twice the amount needed to stun a bull!

But that was almost it - only a few more obstacles to go including a gang plank walk into more freezing cold water (2m beneath). A quick reminder that you had signed a “death warrant” before starting. And then up the final hill (steep and incredibly muddy) to the finish to be greeted by a well-earned cup of tea (which you were incapable of holding cos you were shivering too much!) and a communal shower full of lots of naked men.

A massive thank you to an absolutely brilliant team - we might have had our fair share of “did not start”s but of those of us who did we all finished well within the top third of the field and avoided injury and hypothermia. Just a few scrapes and bruises to contend with, not to mention muscles pulled in all sorts of weird places. And we’ll be digging mud (and other stuff that looks like mud but doesn’t smell quite so sweet!) out of everywhere for at least the next week! Well done guys!!!!

The Team

• Lou Curtis
• Howard Houlston
• Chris Kotze
• Hannah Miller
• Keith Tatley
• Bryan Turner
• Steve Winton

Check out the results here.

P.S. For anyone interested in taking part next year we are already putting together a team and Mr Morlacci has promised to do it in speedo’s to make up for his ignominious last minute withdrawal this time round…

Hannah